Perfectionism Isn’t About Being Perfect—It’s About Staying Safe
When people talk about perfectionism, they often assume it’s just about ambition, high standards, or being neat and orderly.
But for many of us, especially if you’re a child of immigrants, a high-achieving student, a first-gen teen, or someone who’s always felt like you had to earn your worth, on the surface, perfectionism only looks like striving to be the best. But underneath, it's more about staying safe. Perfectionism often develops as a coping strategy in response to shame, fear, or emotional insecurity, especially when shaped by trauma or difficult early experiences (Chen et al., 2019).
Where Perfectionism Starts
Perfectionism often takes root in childhood, especially in homes where love, safety, or connection felt conditional.
Maybe you had to get straight A’s to avoid criticism. Maybe your mistakes were met with yelling, silence, or guilt trips. Maybe being “easy,” helpful, or impressive felt like the only way to keep the peace. Maybe the only time anyone noticed you was when you were performing at your best.
These aren’t just quirks. They’re survival strategies you've learned to protect yourself from the pain of rejection, guilt, shame, feelings of unworthiness, or emotional abandonment. And they emerge in response to the people and environments around us, especially when we’re young, sensitive, and still figuring out who we are.
Four Parent-Child Interactions That Shape Perfectionism
Psychologists have spent decades researching how perfectionism develops. One thing’s clear: it’s not just something people are born with. It’s something we learn through our early interactions—especially through our parents or caregivers.
Here are the four major models that explain how perfectionism takes hold:
1. High Expectations
(“If I meet expectations, I’m lovable. If I don’t, I’m not.”)
One way perfectionism develops is through the high and rigid expectations of our parents/caregivers and eventually teach us that love and approval are earned through performance. In these families, warmth and praise may feel conditional—only given when you achieve, succeed, behave a certain way, or meet high expectations (Hamachek, 1978).
Kids growing up in this environment learn to tie their self-worth to performance. This lays the groundwork for something called Socially Prescribed Perfectionism—the type of perfectionism where you believe other people expect you to be perfect and feel like your worth is based on meeting others’ expectations (Hewitt & Flett, 1991). When kids are praised for being smart or talented (rather than for their effort) and criticized when they fall short, they learn to attribute being “smart” and “talented” with “lovable” or “worthy” and tend to adopt fixed mindsets, feel helpless when they experience criticism, and struggle with anxiety, self-blame, and a fear of criticism (Haimovitz & Dweck, 2016; Master, 2015; Mueller & Dweck, 1998). These patterns reflect environments where love and approval feels conditional and mistakes feel dangerous.
2. Learning and Modeling
(“I watched how you treated yourself—and did the same.”)
Kids copy what they see. If a parent is highly self-critical, obsessed with achievement, or never satisfied, children often mirror those patterns and internalize the behavior (Bandura & Kupers, 1964).
Research confirms that children tend to mirror the perfectionistic behaviors of their same-gender parent. Daughters tend to reflect their mothers' perfectionism, and sons mirror their fathers' (Vieth & Trull, 1999; Flynn et al., 2001). A 2021 study found that mothers who set unrealistically high standards for themselves and believe others have high expectations of them tend to have daughters that do the same, and the same was true of fathers and their sons (Carmo et al., 2021).
Kids also learn how (and when) they’re allowed to feel proud or worthy. For example, researchers have also found that kids modeled whether to “earn” rewards based on the standards they observed in adults (Bandura and Kupers, 1964). If adults only express self-worth after achieving something big, children may internalize the belief that worthiness must be earned.
3. Harsh Reactions
(“If I’m perfect, maybe I won’t get hurt.”)
For some, perfectionism forms as a shield—a protective response developed to cope with chaotic, critical, or abusive environments. Unlike perfectionism that develops from social expectations, which is rooted in conditional approval, perfectionism that develops from social reactions is rooted in fear. In these homes, children learn that being perfect is only way to avoid punishment, escape further abuse, stay emotionally safe, or gain a sense of control over unpredictable circumstances (Flett et al., 2002).
Though few studies have tested this model directly, studies in eating disorder populations suggest a link between abuse and elevated perfectionism (Kaner et al., 1993; Zlotnick et al., 1996). And more recent research shows that authoritarian, psychologically controlling parenting is very likely leads to children developing unrealistically high standards for themselves and the belief that others have unrealistically high standards for them (Carmo et al., 2021).
In homes where mistakes are met with criticism, shame, or harsh consequences, perfectionism can become a way to survive.
4. Anxious Parenting
(“Mistakes are dangerous. Be careful. Be perfect.”)
Parents who are anxious, overprotective, or hyper-focused on avoiding failure or mistakes can rub off on their kids to do the same. Parents' constant reminders about potential risks and judgment can lead children to internalize a deep fear of making mistakes (Flett et al., 2002).
These dynamics are linked to psychological control, where parents try to pressure children to think and act in specific ways, often at the expense of their autonomy and emotional safety (Soenens et al., 2005; Kenney-Benson & Pomerantz, 2005). Kids raised in this environment often develop rigid internal standards to avoid disapproval. This anxious, controlling style of parenting is likely to lead to children developing the belief that others have unrealistically high expectations of them (Carmo et al., 2021). When children are raised in environments where mistakes feel dangerous, perfectionism becomes a way to avoid perceived danger or disappointment and a strategy for emotional safety.
Family Dynamics: The Bigger Picture
Many perfectionists don’t just experience one of these dynamics—they grow up in families with a mix of:
High control
Low emotional warmth
Strong achievement pressure
Limited emotional expression
Nearly all perfectionists can trace their tendencies back to someone in their immediate family (Slaney and Ashby, 1996). Homes high in conflict, criticism, expectations, and emotional suppression tend to create environments where being perfect feels necessary for survival (Brookings & Wilson, 1994; Flynn et al., 2001).
Two parenting variables are suggested to be especially important in explaining this: expectations (ranging from overcontrol to neglect) and warmth (ranging from rejection to support). Different combinations of these influence how perfectionism takes shape. For example:
High expectations + low warmth —> maladaptive perfectionism (rigid, self-critical perfectionism that often leads to distress, anxiety, depression, or burnout)
High standards + emotional support —> adaptive perfectionism (a more flexible, balanced form of striving that is often associated with more healthy experiences such as higher satisfaction with life and personal growth)
This helps explain why some perfectionists appear driven and high-functioning, while others feel paralyzed by shame, anxiety, or burnout.
Healing the Roots of Perfectionism
Unlearning perfectionism isn’t about lowering your standards or giving up on success. It means choosing wholeness over performance. Learning to feel safe being fully human—imperfect, messy, and still worthy.
Here are a few ways to start:
Unpack your perfectionistic origin story. Reflect on where your perfectionism came from. Was it modeled? Expected? A way to protect yourself? A way to feel useful or loved?
Notice when perfectionism shows up. Is it triggered by authority figures? Feedback? Social media? Family gatherings? Track the triggers—this helps build awareness.
Shift from judgment to curiosity. Try asking: “What part of me is scared right now?” instead of “What’s wrong with me?”
Practice safe failure. Do something imperfect—on purpose. Watch what happens. You might realize: you’re still okay.
Work with someone who gets it. Especially if you grew up in a culture or household where perfection felt like the only way to be loved or respected. You deserve support that honors your story and sees the bigger picture.
Ready to Unlearn Survival Mode?
If your perfectionism feels fueled more by fear than by fulfillment, you’re not alone. And you don’t have to unpack it alone, either.
I help BIPOC teens, young adults, and high performers get to the root of the patterns keeping them stuck—whether that’s perfectionism, people-pleasing, emotional shutdown, or cycles of burnout and shame.
You don’t need to earn rest. You don’t need to prove you’re enough. You already are.
Book a free consult. Let’s help you unlearn survival mode—and build a life that actually feels good.
Download your free sample workbook. Get a sneak peek at my perfectionism recovery journal—designed to help you reflect, reset, and rewire the inner critic.
Click here to buy the full digital workbook. For deeper prompts, guidance, and support in your perfectionism healing journey.
References
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Brookings, J. B., & Wilson, J. F. (1994). Personality and family-environment predictors of self-reported academic achievement. Journal of College Student Development, 35(1), 28–33.
Carmo, C., Oliveira, D., Brás, M., & Faísca, L. (2021). The influence of parental perfectionism and parenting styles on child perfectionism. Children, 8(9), 777. https://doi.org/10.3390/children8090777
Chen, L., Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (2019). Perfectionism and trauma: A social disconnection model. Journal of Psychotherapy Integration, 29(1), 15–27. https://doi.org/10.1037/int0000136
Flett, G. L., Hewitt, P. L., & Heisel, M. J. (2017). The destructiveness of perfectionism revisited: Implications for the assessment of suicide risk and the prevention of suicide. Review of General Psychology, 21(3), 240–250. https://doi.org/10.1037/gpr0000126
Flett, G. L., Hewitt, P. L., Oliver, J. M., & Macdonald, S. (2002). Perfectionism in children and their parents: A developmental analysis. In G. L. Flett & P. L. Hewitt (Eds.), Perfectionism: Theory, research, and treatment (pp. 89–132). American Psychological Association.
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Hamachek, D. E. (1978). Psychodynamics of normal and neurotic perfectionism. Psychology: A Journal of Human Behavior, 15(1), 27–33.
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Master, A. (2015). Praise that makes learners more resilient. Mindset Scholars Network Issue Brief. https://mindsetscholarsnetwork.org/research_library/praise-makes-learners-resilient/
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