More Than High Standards: What Perfectionism Is Really About
When people hear the word "perfectionism," they often picture someone who's just super organized or ambitious. Someone who keeps their desk tidy, color-codes their calendar, and always aims for straight A’s.
But for many of us—especially if you’re a child of immigrants, a high-achieving student, or a first-gen teen—perfectionism isn’t really about being neat or impressive. It’s about staying safe.
Perfectionism often starts as a survival strategy. It’s what we develop when love, safety, or connection feels conditional. When being praised depends on how well we perform, how quietly we endure, or how helpful and “easy” we are to be around.
If you’ve ever felt like you had to earn your worth... if you learned to tie being “good enough” to how much you achieve, how little you need, or how well you hold everything together... chances are, perfectionism has been working hard behind the scenes to keep you safe.
Why We Strive: Coping With Shame and Fear
Perfectionism isn’t just about high standards—it’s about protection. It often develops in response to shame, fear, or emotional insecurity, especially in families where approval is tied to performance or where mistakes feel dangerous (Chen et al., 2019).
It’s not only about wanting to succeed. It’s about avoiding criticism, rejection, guilt, or the fear of being seen as a disappointment. And for young people of color—especially those who’ve been told to “be the example,” “make our sacrifice worth it,” or “don’t mess this up”—it’s also about legacy, pressure, and proving we belong.
We learn early on that if we’re exceptional, maybe we’ll be safe. If we’re perfect, maybe we’ll finally be enough.
Adaptive vs. Maladaptive Perfectionism
Before we go further, let’s define a few important terms:
Maladaptive Perfectionism: Rigid, harsh self-standards driven by fear of failure, fear of judgment, and self-criticism. This type is often linked to anxiety, burnout, depression, and chronic shame (Castro & Rice, 2003; K. T. Wang, 2010).
Adaptive Perfectionism: High personal standards pursued with flexibility and self-compassion. Often includes motivation, structure, and healthy striving—but without the same levels of distress. This type is often linked to more healthy experiences such as higher satisfaction with life and personal growth (Chang, 2006; Park & Jeong, 2015).
Self-Oriented Perfectionism: Putting pressure on yourself to meet high personal standards.
Socially Prescribed Perfectionism: Believing others expect you to be perfect and tying your worth to those expectations.
Other-Oriented Perfectionism: Holding others to unrealistic standards and being critical when they fall short.
This is Part 1 of a five part blog series that will focus on maladaptive perfectionism—the kind that forms as a response to pressure, trauma, or unmet emotional needs.
What We’ll Explore
Over the next few posts, we’ll dig deeper into:
How perfectionism gets shaped by parenting styles and family dynamics
The specific emotional messages that get internalized through childhood
Why some perfectionists feel motivated and others feel stuck, burned out, or ashamed
How to begin unlearning perfectionism—not by lowering your standards, but by choosing healing over performance
Each entry will stand on its own, but they’ll also build on each other. So wherever you enter this conversation, you’ll find space to reflect, tools to reframe, and maybe a little relief in realizing: it’s not just you. And it’s not your fault.
Want to go deeper?
Book a free consult. Let’s help you unlearn survival mode—and build a life that actually feels good.
Download your free sample workbook. Get a sneak peek at my perfectionism recovery journal—designed to help you reflect, reset, and rewire the inner critic.
Click here to buy the full digital workbook. For deeper prompts, guidance, and support in your perfectionism healing journey.
References
Castro, J. R., & Rice, K. G. (2003). Perfectionism and ethnicity: Implications for depressive symptoms and self-reported academic achievement. Cultural Diversity and Ethnic Minority Psychology, 9(1), 64–78. https://doi.org/10.1037/1099-9809.9.1.64
Chang, E. C. (2006). Perfectionism and dimensions of psychological well-being in a college student sample: A test of a stress-mediation model. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 25(9). 1001–1022. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2006.25.9.1001
Chen, L., Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (2019). Perfectionism and trauma: A social disconnection model. Journal of Psychotherapy Integration, 29(1), 15–27. https://doi.org/10.1037/int0000136
Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (1991). The multidimensional perfectionism scale: Reliability, validity, and psychometric properties in psychiatric samples. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 3(3), 464–468. https://doi.org/10.1037/1040-3590.3.3.464
Park, H., & Jeong, D. Y. (2015). Psychological well-being, life satisfaction, and self-esteem among adaptive perfectionists, maladaptive perfectionists, and nonperfectionists. Personality and Individual Differences, 72, 165–170. https://doi.org/http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2014.08.031
Wang, K. T. (2010). The Family Almost Perfect Scale: Development, psychometric properties, and comparing Asian and European Americans. Asian American Journal of Psychology, 1(3), 186–199. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0020732 186
